NO FEELINGS ATTACHED AT WORK.

“I can’t focus…I don’t hate him but I have the impression that his presence is very distracting. I have been pushing for his promotion so that he can be given a managerial position in one of our branches. Looking at him every morning makes me feel sick”, Carey told her friend Diana. How did it get to this?

In 2017, a young graduate was given an internship position in the IT department. Leonardo was under Carey’s supervision. She quickly understood that Leo was bright but, like many graduates, had no experience and was more theoretical than practical. He needed supervision, guidance and mentorship at the same time. Leo is a hardworking, innovative and very respectful young man, no wonder he was given the position of the IT assistant at the bank’s headquarters.

“I enjoy working with Carey, she is so professional. My dream was to work in the Banking industry and Carey is the supervisor any young professional can dream of. She did IT engineering at the University of Nairobi. I mean she understands our context. Besides, she went to the US to specialize in E-banking, a specialization we do not have for now. I can tell you for sure, she is more than an IT Engineer; she is a beautiful, caring and independent woman. She is committed to other people’s success because that is how she sees success for the entire corporate. She is the leader you will always need all the time, when you are at your best and when you are at your worst.” Leo gave that description of Carey when her success story was published in the IT magazine.

Last year, Carey proposed that Leo should be sent to Uganda as an IT support for the local management. At first, the Bank director refused because he thought that Leo would become less productive if he was sent far from Carey, but he eventually understood that Leo should be the one to decide. They called Leo to ask what his take was: staying in Carey’s office as an IT assistant or being promoted to the IT management position in Uganda. “I’ll think about it over the weekend,” he said.

As always, Leo needed a piece of advice from Carey. He arranged for a walk in Karura forest during the weekend so that they can have a talk on the matter. “This is a life opportunity. Many people are looking for that promotion Leo. You are so lucky Kampala is a cheap city. As an IT manager, you’ll earn more, spend less and be independent. You will start making decisions on your own”, Carey explained.

She thought that the young man would be delighted but he kept quiet, instead he changed the topic and Carey wondered why. As good friends, they had gone to Karura to discuss Leo’s decision about the promotion in a more relaxed context. Leo was sad and Carey could not understand why.

In the afternoon, she was to visit her mum but decided not to and drove back home. She told her cousin to prepare dinner and asked her younger brother who had visited for the weekend to buy her a bottle of wine from the nearest supermarket. She entered her bedroom, laid on her bed in her muddy sports shoes and reliving the moments they had shared with Leo in and outside the office. She got up to have a glass of wine. With every sip came a fresh memory. She remembered the day Leo had talked to her about his family, how he had struggled to finish school after his dad passed away and how ashamed he felt to have an alcoholic mother. She remembered him sweating like hell when he was replacing the battery in her car. How she hugged him tightly with his dirty clothes and how she wished she had kissed his small lips. She remembered telling him that he was a collaborator any manager would fight to retain. Carey was terrified by the idea of Leo’s absence in the office but could not retain him because her feelings were becoming too strong to hide. She feared that people would accuse her of becoming too emotional at work, which was considered a threat to the managerial position she worked so hard to obtain.

Before she knew it, her pillow was wet with tears. She even missed her favorite series on TV because nothing else mattered that evening. She decided to chat with Leo, started typing a WhatsApp message, deleted it, and tried a second one, then a third one. She wanted to tell him she loved him but it was not easy because in our society it is not ok for a woman to start such a conversation. Finally, she wrote, “I hope you’ll make a good decision Leo. You have been an amazing colleague”. It blue ticked at 8:27pm but Leo did not reply. She waited to no avail for Leo’s message and kept looking at his profile picture. She ignored other messages and calls. At 11:55pm, Leo was still online then disconnected. By midnight, she was so mad at him that she decided to delete his number to avoid seeing his profile picture anymore. The night was long and horrible but the following morning she had to go to the office and face the reality of Leo’s presence again.

Leo called that morning to say that he was not feeling well; the management had to postpone the meeting because his decision was of paramount importance. He eventually came on Tuesday. He looked lost, drained and fatigued when he entered the Boardroom that morning. The cheerful smile on the face of this short, light-skinned IT guy was lost. His eyes were red. He had probably not slept for the last two days. “You should not have come like this Leo. Anyway, since you are present, we’ll hear from you then we will allow you to go back home.” Said the HR manager. Leo looked at Carey innocently before asking for permission to have a cup of coffee. He sipped his office made expresso, shamefully staring at his supervisor as if he wanted to share his cup of coffee with her. After a moment of silence, he said, “I am staying. Look for someone else for the position in Kampala”. “Are you sure you don’t need this promotion?” Carey asked. “Yes I am sure. If my opinion counts, I will prefer to stay here for now”, Leo replied. Carey was seriously mad at him but she had to behave professionally.

Leo left and the management continued the meeting. As soon as the meeting ended, Carey joined Leo in their office. She could not contain her anger. “I am so disappointed Leo, I have prepared you for this promotion…..I have the impression that you don’t know what you want. I thought you were a man, I thought you were mature. I thought you were ambitious like other young men…What is this? You will not be under my supervision forever. I need a new face in this office, period.” “I am sorry madam”, Leo uttered in a very low tone because Carey’s words were like a knife in his heart. It took him some minutes to contain the pain. He breathed out heavily and uttered in a low sweet tone; “This is the very first time you are talking to me that way. I did not know I was bothering you. I did not know my face was unpleasant to you. I always do my best. There has been a tremendous progress on my appraisal report and you know it. You suggested that I should do an MBA course I did it. Am I not ambitious just because I do not want to go to Uganda? The reason I refused the offer is simple: your presence makes me happy. I do love my job but you are the reason I have stayed in this company for this long. It is not common for IT guys to stay in the same position for more than three years. Now that you have confirmed that my presence is meaningless to you, I will apply for opportunities outside, maybe I will forget you.”

What Carey feared the most was revealed; the young man had feelings for his supervisor. Later that day, she went to talk to her friend Diana about this and explained what had happened. Diana is married; she knows quite well what emotional denial is. “It was about his future not yours, his life not yours. His decision was not a big deal until you made it a big deal. What is your interest in all this?” Diana told her. “He said he had feelings for you, it is normal. You can simply tell him that his dream is impossible. He is a man he will overcome all this. Leave him alone and let him assume whatever his decision is. It is not about your life or your career after all”. These comments went straight to Carey’s heart. She cried it all before admitting that she loved this young man ever since he came in as an intern.

It was obvious that she still loved this man but she could not open up about it because rejection can be painful and humiliating when you are a supervisor who feels something for a junior staff. Carey is in a very delicate situation because, nowadays, the line between expression of true love and sexual harassment is blurred.

“It is more difficult than you may think Diana. I am a much-respected senior woman in the company. Indeed, I am empowered but I am not ready to risk my reputation, my career and my ambitions. I do love the young man. There is nothing I can do about it, but expressing these feelings seems antisocial. I know it is ok for a man to marry his junior staff but our society does not accept that women do the same, no matter how empowered they are. Besides, you cannot say you know a man until you fall in love with him. I know that he has feelings for me but he is too perfect to be trustworthy. I fear that he may have ulterior motives. I am careful with flawless people.” Carey said, crying her heart out. She kept quiet as if she had nothing else to add. She wiped her tears and added something while sobbing: “This situation is affecting my performance, Diana. I cannot concentrate as he is always on my mind. May be, if he went to Kampala I’d forget him and be in peace in my office”. Diana listened.

Carey’s delicate situation brings some questions to surface: “what is professional and what is not when it comes to having feelings for a colleague?” Are social rules the same for men and women? Is it a sin to marry a junior staff? We have bought the idea of being strong beyond emotions at work but what we are not being told is that we do it to the detriment of our mental wellbeing. May be it is time to start addressing the issue differently.

 

I value your feedback, kindly drop a comment because Carey needs your help. English, French, Swahili or Portuguese are allowed.  

Do you have a personalized feedback, talk to me via WhatsApp on +254720074063.

Thank you for reading. Jacques Muhindo